One of the provinces of Thailand. A tiny, baby tail jutting out island in the Andaman sea! A desperate shop-a-holics paradise and a beach addicts holy abode! Where a smoking pussy is not something taboo and a huff puff behind the bushes kinda activity!

Blessed Almighty! for a mighty eye opener, I meant a bottle opener. Sobriety here, is never heard off! Amusing only to the locals, laughing & grinning as they hand you a cocktail.

  • Me: Singing “Take my Baht away”
  • She: Takes off her bra!

One of the most scenic airports, overlooking the seaside. A beautiful sight until you reach the immigration counter. Visa on arrival for 3rd world countries too. Sounds amazing? Not really! Unless you obtain a visa before you depart. Else, your stuck in the queues fermenting in your own sweat!

While the Indians were busy shopping at the duty free, before actually setting foot on Thai’s land. I decided to check out. Out! of the damn airport. It was bustling with people from all over the world. You are welcomed by a horde of Thai girls with name-cards. Ready to take you on that adventure you always dreamed off. Back when your hands were silky smooth, traveling south of the belly region at the mere mention of Bang-Cock.

The happening beaches in the mainland are Patong, Kata & Karon. They are close to each other with a myriad of options to stay, swim, drink, puke, eat & repeat. “Patong Beach” and its adjacent “Bangara Road” is synonymous for its clubs, discotheques, bars and ping pong!

I would strongly advise all true Ping Pong fans to abstain themselves, as it has a very different connotation here. Post game you are treated to a “Flower Show” with bath, which should ideally work your appetite.

Don’t fret! The street food here is well awesome! It could regurgitate even the strongest stomachs. Choose from beef, pork and a wide array of seafood including crocodile which BTW tasted like chicken. “Phad Thai” being their quintessential dish. I however feasted on the grilled octopus and the special sauce it was dangling in. The trusted “Chang” helped me wash it down.

New Year’s eve on “Patong Beach” was like a rave! Live music, numerous bar counters and food stalls with thousands of like minded souls congregating to witness the fireworks and lanterns. It was phenomenal! Up until the moment your bladder is bursting and need to pee. The restaurants which had toilets sure did have a tough time keeping the crowds away. It was a spectacle until I witnessed a chick peeing in a cup out of sheer desperation. All the while smiling at me for no god damn reason. I smirked and ran to my designated latrine.

To pre-empt the debauchery and sins I was going to commit further. My cabbie Mr.Chookiat suggested I visit his good friend and mentor Mr.Buddha. I put my trust in him, which was monumental in me being rid of some amount of negativity. High atop a hill was his towering statue, with an enchanting view of the bay below.

Post atonement. I was quite excited and adventurous! So I decided to set a date with a tiger. Boy was he magnificent, with the right amount of curves and muscles. The pimp’s at the “Tiger Kingdom” were gracious enough to let me stroke his back, grab his tail and lean all over him. I have to admit, it’s scary when the tiger looks straight into your eyes. They will either play or kill, depending on the coconut he’s been nibbling on.

Adrenaline still pumping! I was thirsty for more. It was about time I got wet! With no babes around, the dolphins would have to do temporarily. “Dolphins Bay” is one of Asia’s best aquatic theme parks. I would recommend all you hypocritical PETA advocates to visit. The animals here are respected and treated with great care! I was amazed, astonished and partly shattered looking at their talents, beating mine hands down.

The highlight of this trip was the epic island hopping on a speedboat. There are numerous islands to choose your itinerary from such as “James Bond”, “Mai Ton” , “Similan”, “Surin”, “Rok” etc. You depart from the Grand Marina, with your co-conspirators. In my case, they happened to be majorly Chingy. They were constantly bickering and vibrating their camera’s at 10,000 pics/min with a serious case of “Sleep on Speedboat” syndrome.

“Pee Pee Lay” (as overheard by our captain): An hour’s journey from Phuket’s bay are the infamous “Phi Phi” islands. An uninhabited wonderland south of the larger “Phi Phi Don”. The stunning vertical limestone cliffs, white sandy beaches with clear emerald green water is a sight to behold and cherish. Don’t miss the opportunity to snorkel here to witness some exotic fish and coral’s.

“Viking Cave”: A misleading moniker going by the paintings depicted on its walls. You can’t enter as it’s controlled by a highly profitable “Bird Nest” mafia. An active ingredient in “Birds Nest Soup”, a Chinese delicacy. A kilo of the “Swifts” hardened saliva costs anywhere between 3000-4000$

“Monkey Beach”: Close to Pee Pee Lay’s bay, is where you get to see and play with a gang of fish eating monkeys. The first batch of carnivorous monkeys I’ve encountered. We were advised not to get too close, as one hickey from them will require you to additionally travel to the ER.

  • Me: How in gods name are they fishing?
  • Captain: Don’t bother! You be like Chinese no! You take photo no?
  • Me: Takes photo with an imaginary F**k you!

Post lunch at Pee Pee Don, the larger of the Phi Phi archipelago. Our captain decides to show us “The Beach”. The women started to squirm, turning their male counterparts firm. It was as though they were being set up on a date with “The Wolf of Wall Street”. Much to their chagrin, setting foot on “Maya Bay” was off limits due to the Wolf’s many admirer’s. You can still kill the ecology swimming a few hundred meter’s away though.

Last stop was “Khai Nai” Island. The turquoise blue, shallow water coupled with Jet Ski’s makes it a wondrous setting for a coffee date at sunset. The most exotic island I’ve set foot on.

That wraps up my first International trip! Immensely grateful to mum and my all time super heroes: ATM (Sister), ATM’s hubby and my adorable Niece. Much Love! Special thanks to the Thai & Chingy clans for their love, support & entertainment!

Life is but a speedboat! Stay as present as possible! As it will pass you by, in the wink of an eye.

Pic/Vid Courtesy: ATM’s iPhone & Vision Studios (Island Hopping)

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